For a long time, I was angry, and I had repressed these feelings for a long time. I didn't when I was a teenager, but I never had anyone to talk to about them. This probably didn't do good things for my mental health.
My mother is the strict Roman Catholic; God let's everything happen for a reason, and adoption was one of those things. She says I would have had a horrible life in Paraguay, and maybe I would have. I will never know. I grieve the loss of what could have been. She didn't understand my need to know about the culture and to learn Spanish. She says English should be the official language of the US, and why do I want to learn, it's borring. I have so many questions that I will probably never have the courage to ask her. Why didn't you encourage me to learn Spanish? Why did you stay in your white, Polish, German, Catholic bubble? We didn't have many Spanish things in my town, but I know sometimes there were churches or cultural festivals. Why did you never take me to any of those? Why did you never find any latina role models for me? Why did you never introduce me to food that was not Pennsylvania Dutch, go to ethnic restaurants? Why did you never encourage me to learn Spanish when I was younger than ninth grade? Why did you never provide me with books to learn about my birth country? Why did you not let me find my own identity with support instead of being against everything I am?
I identify as latina, even if it is only on the outside. I don't know any people of color or people who speak Spanish as their first language. I don't know if I would be accepted by anyone in those communities, but I don't know how to start trying. When I was a teenager, I started saying "i'm not white," and my family would respond "yes you are."
I wish I knew who I looked like. I wish I knew how to start a search for my first family, even though they are probably dead. I want to go to Paraguay. There is a company who does homeland trips for adoptees and their families/friends. I would love to go on one of those, but since I have trouble affording groceries sometimes, that is not going to happen any time soon. I wish so many things, and I have no idea what to do with all of these feelings.